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"True beauty comes and
finds us and laughs that we were looking the other way. We as women have
brilliant strategies for looking the other way. Fear and Control. Pride and
Contempt. Addiction and Deadness. These giants rise in our hearts perpetually,
surfacing in sophisticated ways when we are able to hide them and in
humiliating ways when we can't. And, as we will explore each one in the
sections of this book, these strategies are often the natural result of our
very hard stories." –Jan Meyers Proett
As a counselor, I am always on the lookout for
books that I hope will be helpful to my clients. Having often recommended The Allure of Hope to clients I was delighted when
I read a blog by Jan Meyers Proett last December and learned she had written
another book that would be released in a few months. (Read the blog post here: http://www.janmeyersproett.com/blog/2012/12/06/Beauty-Trumps-Bitch.aspx).
As I expected, Beauty & the Bitch: Grace for the Worst in Me is a very good
book and one I will recommend often. It's an excellent resource for people who
want to be free and for people who don't realize they're imprisoned who might
read the book simply out of curiosity about the book's title. Notice, I said
it's an excellent resource for people, even though the book is written
primarily for a female audience. However, it would be a mistake to look at this
book, decide it's just for women, and pass over it. But more on that later.
First, there is the matter of the title. It is a
little startling at first, but it is exactly the right title. Some won't like
it and dismiss it as a book that couldn't possibly be "Christian"
because of "that word." "Good" Christians don't talk
that way, after all. (One wonders what those same folks do with the
Apostle Paul's use of cuss words, provided they have a pastor honest enough and
brave enough to tell the truth about some of the terms Paul and other biblical
authors use. For example, Paul uses a word in Philippians 3:8 that is
translated "garbage" in some translations and "rubbish" in
others. The NET Bible translates it as "dung," and includes this translation
note: "The word here translated 'dung' was often used in Greek as a vulgar
term for fecal matter. As such it would most likely have had a certain shock
value for the readers"). I recall showing an article to a writing
instructor at a conference, one I hoped to publish about finally waking up and
engaging God in my wife's and my struggle with infertility. Early in the
article I described my anger upon leaving an infertility clinic and included
the words I'd said as I slammed my fist on the steering wheel. The instructor
pointed out that although it was the correct word I would have to change it if
I wanted to publish the article in a Christian magazine. In other words, it
would be better to be dishonest about what I'd actually said than to use the
word "hell" in any way other than to indicate "that place where
people who aren't like us are going." And Jan's book was indeed passed
over by Christian publishers who would have been happy to publish it if she
would just change the title. Fortunately, Bondfire Books came along and
recognized a very good book that needed to retain this title or be stripped of
some of its impact. I'm glad Jan fought for the title and waited for a
publisher with the vision and courage to go against the grain. What's important
is that Jan doesn't use the word to shock or startle people, but to point out
ways of relating that cover one's beauty. (If you want to read a couple of
thoughtful blog posts about the title go here http://www.janmeyersproett.com/blog/2013/01/14/Sometimes-she-simply-raises-an-eyebrow.aspx and
here http://www.janmeyersproett.com/blog/2013/07/08/It-is-all-in-a-name.aspx).
So why do I like this book so much? Why am I so
eager to recommend it to clients? For one, it is a thoroughly biblical book.
You cannot read this book without seeing Jan is a faithful and diligent student
of the Scriptures, and not as a distant scholar, but as one who has soaked in
Scripture and conversation with God. I love her use of Hebrew terms. She uses
them to help us understand important terms that tell us more about God and more
about what we really need in our relationship with him. They're not used in a
"look at me, I know some Hebrew terms" way. I did find myself at
times wishing there were a Glossary of Important Terms included in the book. If
you're reading this on an e-reader be sure to bookmark the terms to refer back
to, as they're vitally important to Jan's message.
Another thing I like about this book is Jan's
vulnerability. She shares parts of her story and shows how it connects to her
own reactivity in relationships, primarily with her husband. It's one thing to
share parts of one's personal story and the hurts and harm suffered in
childhood or dished out in adolescence or young adulthood. That is plenty
courageous. It's entirely another matter, though, to share present-tense
failings as Jan does in Beauty and the Bitch. It's the difference between
feeling "less than" while reading one of the many Christian superstar
books--I've made it and I'll show you how--and feeling
"joined"--"you're a mess, I'm a mess, and here are some things
I've learned along the way. Things like, "It's okay to admit that you
are a bitch, but it's also crucial to see that there is beauty in you that
wants to come out--will come out. That's the wonderful surprise: the life of
God will always rise. There is a quality to a woman's beauty that is simply
unmanageable. We can't produce it ourselves, but we can make our hearts a
welcome, responsive place for beauty to live."
And that is one of the beautiful things about
Jan's book. The whole tone of the book, even as she is delving into things the
"bitch" does, is that the badness that shows up can never outweigh
the hope that there is a beauty that "wants to come out--will come
out." She builds a solid, biblical case for why "beauty always wins."
As a man the temptation might be to read this
book just to understand my wife better and to read it with a recognition of,
"oh yeah, that's her." "Yes, she does that, as well."
"Oh, so that explains why she acts that way." But if you're a man and
you read it this way you'll miss a blessing. Sure, there might be something
good about reading to gain some understanding of the battles women, your wife,
are fighting. But there's another invitation here to read the examples Jan
gives and see our own particular bent and acknowledge, "oh yeah, that's
me." "Yes, I do that, too." "Oh, so that explains why I act
this way." Jan has a deep understanding of what goes on in the human soul;
she's counseled both women and men toward greater freedom, and this
understanding can easily be applied to men. The wise statement that
"whatever is not transformed is transmitted" is true of us, too, so
we can certainly, and without a lot of effort, fill in our own examples of the
bad stuff we do when we feel cornered or powerless.
I'm grateful for Jan's book. It's one I will
reread, to inform my work with clients, to be a better man, a better husband.
I've recommended this book to clients for a couple of months now and it's
touching the hearts of my clients. I know it will deeply touch your heart, too.
Beauty & the Bitch: Grace for the Worst in
Me is available in both e-reader and paperback formats. You can find it
here: http://www.amazon.com/Beauty-Bitch-Grace-Worst-ebook/dp/B00DWN08UO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380560289&sr=8-1&keywords=jan+meyers+proett
